Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden." "Bullshit! There's no such place!" Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

Three guys are drinking in a bar and soon they get to bragging about the size of their dicks. After hearing this for awhile the bartender makes the suggestion that they just whip them out and compair to settle the whole mess. Each man takes his out and lays it on the bar. About that time in walks a queer. The bartender asks "What will it be"? The queer says, "Well I was wanting a beer but I think I'll just take the buffet"!

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

A man ordered four expensive 30-year-old single malts and had the bartender line them up in front of him. Then, without pausing, he downed each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry." "You would be too if you had what I have." "What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked. "Fifty cents."

A man walked in to a bar and said to the bartender that he had a bad day at work and wanted 1 shot of everything he had in the bar. The bartender poured 1 shot of everything in to a glass and the man drank it down and staggered out. The next day the man came back in and the bartender said it looks like you had another bad day at work, and the man said no way. He said I went home last night and was blowing chunks all night. the bartender said oh you got a little sick? The man said, no chunks is my dog.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on his shoulder. He throws the alligator on the bar and orders a beer. The bartender ask why he has the alligator. The man replies that the alligator can do tricks. The bartender ask what he can do. The man pulls out a little hammer from his pocket and hits the alligator on the head. The alligator opens his mouth real wide. The man takes out his penis and puts it in the alligators mouth. The man then hits the alligator on the head with the hammer and the alligator closes his mouth but stops just short of biting his penis. The man hits the alligator on the head again and he opens his mouth. He removes his penis. The man says-I bet there isn't another person in this room brave enough to do that. A gay man stands up in the back of the room and replies-I will! I will! If you don't hit me so hard in the head with that hammer.

This guy walks into a bar sits down and orders a beer and a bowl of chili. The barkeep brings it over and sets it before him. Just that quick this little guy jumps off his shoulders drinks his beer and takes a whizz in his chili! The patron says "another beer and chili please." Barkeep brings him another round and chili, just that quick this little guy jumps down drinks his beer and takes a whizz in his chili, "another beer and chili." the patron says. "Hold on," says the barkeep, "I keep bringing you beer & chili, but that shrimp won't let you have your meal. What's the deal?" "I was walking down the beach came across this Genie bottle and he granted me three wishes," the patron says. "The first wish I wished for a nice mansion next I wished for lots of money and for my third wish, I wished for a twelve inch prick ..... and the son-of-a-bitch has been with me ever since!"

A man got drunk in a bar. The bartender asked what was wrong. "I just found out that my older brother is gay," said the man. The next day the same man was drunk in the bar again. The bartender asked what was wrong. "I just found out that my younger brother is gay," said the man. "My God," said the bartender. Doesn't anyone in your family like girls? "Yeah," said the man. "My wife."

Things overheard in a bar...and what they meant

No, really, I'm OK to drive. I'm wasted and should have someone bring me home but I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

I'm not used to these darts. I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes. (w/ opposite sex) You would look great face down in my lap.

You get this one, next round is on me. We won't be here long enough to get another round.

I'll get this one, next one is on you. This place has dollar drafts and beers are $4.50 a pop at the next bar.

I haven't seen you around here for a long time. You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

Hey, where is that friend of yours? I have no interest whatsoever in talking to you other than you're a way to get your friend into a compromising position.

Lets get out of here. I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

Can I get a glass of white zinfandel? (female) I'm easy.

Can I get a glass of white zinfandel? (male) I'm gay.

Ever try a body shot? (male to female) I am even willing to do a tequila shot if it means that I get to lick you.

Ever try a body shot? (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

Look at that girl leaving with 5 guys. Take a good look now because next time you see that face it will be on the back of a milk carton.

I don't feel well, lets go home. (female) You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

I don't feel well, lets go home. (male) I'm horny.

I've had like 10 beers already. I've only had 3, but I need an excuse to behave this way.

Who's got the next round? I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

I'm getting my life back together. Are you kidding? Would I be in a place like this, rocked off my ass, if I had my act together? I'm a mess; fear and avoid me like the plague.

Excuse Me. (male to male) Get the fuck out of the way.

Excuse Me. (male to female) I am going to grope you now.

Excuse Me. (female to male) Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

Excuse Me (female to female) Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning. I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.

What do you have on tap? What's cheap?

Can I have a white Russian? (male) I'm really gay.

Can I have a white Russian? (female) I'm really easy.

You go ahead, I'll catch a cab I already lined up a ride home with your ex-girlfriend.

That person looks really familiar. Did I sleep with him/her?

Can I just get a glass of water? (female) I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

Can I just get a glass of water? (male) It's 9:00 am and I just stopped drinking about 90 minutes ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

Do you have any Wild Turkey? I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

I don't have my ID on me. I'm 19.

I don't have my ID on me. I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew like a .4 last time I was in here.

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference." The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch." The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!" Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing." A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one." The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!" The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

A guy walks into a bar.....ouch! (Editors note: this joke sucks)

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear. Fault : Glass is empty. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Room is spinning. Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool. Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning. Symptom : Feet cold and wet. Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom : Feet warm and wet. Fault : Loss of self-control. Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom : Lap cool and wet. Fault : Drooling on yourself. Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else. Symptom : Bar blurred. Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Bar moving. Fault : You are being carried out. Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked. Sympton : Bar looks like a circus. Fault : You're at a circus. Solution : Go to a bar. Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault : You have fallen over backwards. Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends. Fault : You have fallen over forwards. Solution : Same as for falling over backwards. Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter. Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in. Symptom : Everything has gone dim. Fault : The pub is closing. Solution : PANIC!!