This guy went to the beach and said...........................................................................................cool its water lalalalala

Teenager at the age of 15 goes to his dad and says"Dad Can I have sex yet?" Dad says, "No practice on the tree, ree, ree, ree. The boy goes up to his dad the next year and said dad can I have sex yet? his dad goes no, practice on the tree, ree, ree, ree. The next year the teenager is an adult at 18 years and he goes dad can I have sex yet? his dad says" yes u finally can So the father and the son go to the hotel, while the father has fun having sex in one room he hears a lot of loud screams of a girl, so the dad goes into the other room and finds blood all over the room and the girl on the bed and his son. His dad says "Son, what happened here? his son says" I was looking for some squirrels.

Your Mama so ugly that even Freddy Crouger and Jason from Friday the 13th get nightmares from look at yo mama

What do a blond and a screen door have in common?
The more ya bang em the looser they get!

Whats the difference between a mosquito and a blond?
A mosquito will stop sucking if you smack it!

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit and the bear goes to the rabbit "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" rabbit goes "No!" so then the bear takes the rabbit and wipes his ass with him

a gay guy comes in to a bar and says "I am gay" then the other guy goes wanna suck my dick?" and then the gay guy goes "OK" hahaha

1. Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that POPS up!!!

2. (motion for girl to come here with one finger), "If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!"

3. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

4. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

5. Fuck me if I'm wrong....but haven't we met before?

6. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

7. I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.

8. Are those real?

9. I may not be Fred Flintstone but I sure can make your bed rock.

10. (offer guy/girl a screw) wanna screw?

11. Ya know, that shirt is very becoming on you......of course, if I was on you, I'd be cumming too.

12. The word of the day is LEGS, so let's go to my house and spread the word.

13. The only place I want to go is south of the border.

14. Hey you want to know what I heard about you? Fuck me and I'll tell you.

15. Why don't you come over and we can do math in the bed; add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I'll multiply.

16. What's a nice girl like you doing on a face like this?

17. Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?

18. Mmmmmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible"

19. So, do you want to see something really swell?

20. Excuse me but is your last name "Gillette"......cause you are the best a man can get!

21. Hey baby.....can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?

22. My shirt's chaffing me.....

23. Excuse me miss, do you give head to strangers? (No) Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.

24. They call me Milk, because I do your body good.

25. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

26. Hey baby, wanna wrestle.

27. Hi, do you want to have children? (assuming the answer is no) Ok then, can we just practice?

28. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

30. They say the best things in life are free....they lied( but I do accept American Express)

31. This Valentines Day, I really want you to know how I feel.....So you better use both hands.

32. You can feel the magic between us......No, lower!

33. You're on my mind this Valentine's Day.....I'd prefer you on my bed.

34. This Valentine's Day I want you to know that I'm head-over-heels for you....and I know some other positions too.

35. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

36. You have 250 bones in your body, want another?

37. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

38. Hey baby, can i tickle your belly from the inside?

39. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

40. Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.

41. Yo baby, I bust more nuts than a squirrel.

This joke, and the one-liners below are from Kevin Cormack

One day an old couple walk into a doctors office and say to the doctor "We wanna have kids", the doctor starts laughing and then replies "well, if you're really serious about this, i need to know if you're shooting blanks or bullets", and the doctor gives the old man a jar and asks him to come back the next day. So the next day, he goes to the doctor and says, "Well. first I tried it with my left hand, then I tried it with my right, that didn't work, so my wife tried it with her teeth in, then she tried it with her teeth out, again this didn't work, so her friend came over and she tried with both hands, but it still didn't work." "Wait a minute," said the doctor, "her friend tried also?" "Yeah" the guy responds, "and we couldn't get the lid off the jar!!!"

-reality is the only obstacle to happiness

-seen it all,done it all,can't remember most of it

-early bird gets the worm,but the second mouse gets the cheese

-when everything's coming your way,you're in the wrong lane

-every1 has a photographic memory,some of us just don't have film

-i tried sniffing coke before,but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose

-i said no to drugs,but they wouldn't listen

-friends help you move,real friends help you move bodies

-better to understand a little, than misunderstand a lot

-i souport publik edukashun

-i took an IQ test and the result was negative

-friends don't let friends drive naked

-why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

-a penny saved is ridiculous

-don't force it,get a larger hammer

The famous Abbott and Castello routine, "Who's on First", was sent to me by Melinda Mennie

Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. The Yankee's
manager gave me a job as coach for as long as your on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if your the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me
their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they
give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...
Costello: His brother Daffy
Abbott: Daffy Dean...
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott: French?
Costello: Goofe'
Abbott: Goofe' Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on
first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
Costello: That's what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names.
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow's name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playing...
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I'm asking you who's on first.
Abbott: That's the man's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who's playing first?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the
money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that gets...
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Who gets the money...
Abbott: He does, every dollar of it. Sometimes his wife comes down and
collects it.
Costello: Who's wife?
Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Abbott: What's wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how
does he sign his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How does he sign...
Abbott: That's how he signs it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
Abbott: No. What is on second base.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: One base at a time!
Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.
Costello: I'm not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?
Abbott: That's right.
Costello: Ok.
Abbott: Alright.

PAUSE

Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?
Abbott: No. What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.
Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing
third?
Abbott: No. Who's playing first.
Costello: What's on base?
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again!

PAUSE

Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.
Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who's playing third base?
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello: What am I putting on third.
Abbott: No. What is on second.
Costello: You don't want who on second?
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.
Abbott: Who's playing first.
Costello: I'm not...stay out of the infield!!! I want to know what's the
guy's name in left field?
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first!
Costello: I don't know.
Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he's center field.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The pitcher's name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don't want to tell me today?
Abbott: I'm telling you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow!
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.
Costello: I'll break your arm if you say who's on first!!! I want to know
what's the pitcher's name?
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Gotta a catcher?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: The catcher's name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.
Abbott: Now you've got it.
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.

PAUSE

Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's
pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy
hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good
catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first. So I pick up the
ball and throw it to who?
Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

PAUSE

Abbott: That's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Now who's got it?
Abbott: Naturally.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it.
Now who has it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: No you don't you throw the ball to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's different.
Costello: That's what I said.
Abbott: Your not saying it...
Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: You throw it to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's what I said!
Abbott: You ask me.
Costello: I throw the ball to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it
is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the
ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I
Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy
gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know!
He's on third and I don't give a darn!
Abbott: What?
Costello: I said I don't give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.

THE END